Busy Day

Such a busy day. I met with one guy who I met on MySpace. I figure it's nice to meet someone in person that you initially meet online. Online relationship can become very artificial. He's not dating potential, since he smokes, but I like him and he is a cool guy to hang out with. After I got home from that, I returned another guy's call and talked to him for a half hour. First phone call are always so nerve-wracking. I feel like I did ok, but who knows. I was completely exhausted after that. A little depressed to. I'm kind of in a low mood period, so things are little more challenging than usual. I really would like to find a nice guy to date regularly. I'll just keep plugging along until he shows up. " You never know what's coming for you."


Oxnard Beach

Sunset at work


No picture taking this weekend. I took a few at work, but I haven't taken the time to download them yet.

Above are two of my favorites.

Photographs Galore

Hi all. I haven't posted in a while. Too busy trying to get through the holidays. Last time, I told you about my new camera. I must say that I never realized how this new camera would revolutionize my life. I often feel nervous being outside without a purpose. It's hard for me to just hang out at the beach. I feel so out of place. The great thing about having the camera, is that is give me a purpose and reason to be someplace. Kind of like having a dog or a friend with you. I drove up to San Luis Obispo last weekend by myself. On the way, back I stopped in Pismo Beach. So many beautiful views. I spent a couple of hours driving around and taking photos. The funny thing is that I never would have done something like that, before I got my camera. Now, I've become the photographic adventurer. A whole new world of possibilities has opened up for me, that I did know were options. Here are a couple of my favorite photos from last weekend.



I want to live in that house on the cliff.




My Pirate Mickey goes everywhere with me.

New Camera

I finally got my new camera today. It is a digital SLR and I think that I've got quite a learning curve ahead of me. Just took a few photos inside the house. I can already tell the difference. Just seeing the quality of the photos is getting me excited to run out and take some great nature photos. I will post a few when I get a chance. It has taken me most of the afternoon and evening to figure out how put on the lens and what all those menus are for. One nice thing is that I will now be able to take black and white photographs. I can also take close up pictures. Something that just never worked on my point and shoot.

I watched the movie P.S. I Love you last weekend and now I have been inspired to read the book. I'm looking forward to it My other book choice is the Genesee Diary by Henri Nouwen. A wonderful book for anyone who wants to explore their inner selves and find out the joys of living a simple quiet existence. He really spends a lot of time learning how he reacts to being in solitude and how that relates to his relationship to God and the relationships to people that are a part of his life. I wonder if I would be able to transform myself and explore all my good and bad points like he does. I mean, I could spend 7 months in a monastery, but what would it be like to do that. That is the beauty of this book. You get to try on the monastic life for 200 pages.

Chuck Close Inspired Me

I went to drawing class tonight. We watched a film about artist Chuck Close. He had such interesting things to about his life and the difficulties he overcame as a child and then later after he was partially paralyzed from a blood clot at the age of 48. One thing he said was that the last 14 years of his life have been the happiest. Those are the years he has paralyzed. His notion is that learning to overcome difficulties and surviving through them make you a more interesting person. I was feeling pretty bad about myself this week. I met someone who doesn't know me really well, but still found things about me that he thought need to be fixed. You know, which is fine, but all I felt was about 2 inches tall. Seeing that film reminded me of all the wonderful things about me that I like. I am not just my problems and faults. I do want to fix things about myself, but that doesn't mean that I am all wrong. Anyways, I recommend the film Chuck Close: A Portrait in Progress. It was not the kind of art that I like at all, but watching him describe his art opened my eyes to the beauty of his work.

Yesterday evening was a wonder of pink touched skies, that turned lava red. And I thought to myself, how wonderful it would be to always have pink skies. Everything looks better under pink light. That is why they sell pink light bulbs. So that we can we can always see things through rose colored glasses. There is, apparently, something amazing about the light in California. I've never noticed it. Maybe it's just because I live here. You can't see differently the things that you see everyday. I went to Venice, Italy just to see the light. I just remember how beautiful everything looked. How I wished that I could have stayed longer. Surely miraculous things would have happened. It's time to visit the beach. To see this wondrous light that is so special to California. Time to fill my camera with visions of crashing waves and warm sand. I wish I had known that the light here was special. I don't know how I missed it. I've included a picture of cloud and moon on a specially lit morning. You have to be outside at the right time to catch it. I remember, as a child, waking every morning and looking for that special light. I only saw it a couple of times. It is the most beautiful thing that I have ever seen. I hope to share that feeling with you some day.

Coping methods

I wasn't diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder until I was 30. This meant that I had 30 whole years to develop all sorts of horrible coping methods to get through life. No ever really taught me how to be assertive, how to deal with my emotions constructively. This has gotten me into all sort of bad and embarrassing situations. Even now, I find it difficult to act in the 'appropriate' manner. Of course I am human, so I figure that most people act inappropriately every once and a while. I seem to have made an art of form of it. Some times all I can do is just laugh at myself and try to do better the next time. I don't think that most realize how hard people with Bipolar work to fit in with everybody else. I know that I spend and enormous amount of energy controlling my emotions. This has caused some of my family to describe me as 'being tough as nails'. I suppose that is an accurate description. I try so hard not to do the wrong thing, that I come of as gruff and uncaring. Which, if you really knew me, you would know how much I really do care about people. I just don't always have the energy to show it. So try to give people with Bipolar disorder more grace than you would 'regular' people. We just need a little extra time to express ourselves in positive manner.

It's flu shot season

I got my annual flu shot on Tuesday. For some strange reason, unknown to me, I get hypomanic for at least 2 weeks afterwards. The only thing I have to watch for is cute guys. I tend to develop unusual crushes during these two weeks. I think it's kind of funny, actually. Of course, I have to get my flu shot, otherwise I will be sick all winter. I guess it's a trade off. The lesser of two evils. Not that I have any potential crush guys on the horizon, but I'm glad I know that this is how I will be for a little while. I've not found any scientific evidence linking bipolar and flu shots. If I were a doctor or a researcher, I would probably explore this further. In the meantime, I am going to enjoy feeling awake and interesting in the world. Eventually this will wear off and I will feel flat again. I hate feeling flat because all the things that I love to do, no longer seem as interesting. Then life is just getting up, going to work, and coming home to try and get some sleep.

I don't know how often I will be able to update this blog, or if anyone will ever read it. It's nice to have a place to talk about the things that are going in my head, without everybody knowing who I am.

Thanks for listening.