Thursday, October 23, 2008

It's flu shot season

I got my annual flu shot on Tuesday. For some strange reason, unknown to me, I get hypomanic for at least 2 weeks afterwards. The only thing I have to watch for is cute guys. I tend to develop unusual crushes during these two weeks. I think it's kind of funny, actually. Of course, I have to get my flu shot, otherwise I will be sick all winter. I guess it's a trade off. The lesser of two evils. Not that I have any potential crush guys on the horizon, but I'm glad I know that this is how I will be for a little while. I've not found any scientific evidence linking bipolar and flu shots. If I were a doctor or a researcher, I would probably explore this further. In the meantime, I am going to enjoy feeling awake and interesting in the world. Eventually this will wear off and I will feel flat again. I hate feeling flat because all the things that I love to do, no longer seem as interesting. Then life is just getting up, going to work, and coming home to try and get some sleep.

I don't know how often I will be able to update this blog, or if anyone will ever read it. It's nice to have a place to talk about the things that are going in my head, without everybody knowing who I am.

Thanks for listening.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

A busy weekend

I spent most of last night typing my poems in to a Word document. I don't know that they are very good, but my friend Natalie thinks they are fabulous, so that gives me hope. I'll admit that typing them in made me a little sad. I write more poetry when I am trying to work out sorrows that when I am happy. I still remember when and how I felt when I wrote most of them. I'm still learning how to transcend my sorrows and find happiness anyways. In typing them out, I realize how much work I still have to do to become a great or even good poet. I need more life experiences so I have a great variety of subjects. It will happen. I think I am going to call my poetry collection "Unfolding and Unleafing". I can't decide between Unleafing or Unleaving. Neither one appears to be a real word.

My fish are doing well. Mr. Rochester is terribly in love with Jane Eyre and they keep each other in happy company while I am away at work. I'm glad that there is a corner of love in my apartment.
I am contemplating buying a new camera. I have my eye on Canon Powershot G9 or G10. I am open to any other suggestions of good cameras.
I went to Ojai Day yesterday and purchased the most beautiful amber 'stone'. It made up for the lack of a vendor for Henna Tattoos. I will get my henna tattoo one of these days.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

One of my friends told that I often seem to enjoy my melancholy moods. Which I suppose is a little bit true. I know that I feel things very deeply. So deeply sometimes that people a surprised when these emotions manifest themselves. Not that there is anything wrong with my emotions, I just tend to take people a little unawares. It got thinking some lines from the play/movie Wit. In this play, Dr. Vivian Berring , a John Donne poetry professor is diagnosed with Cancer. The play centers on her, the cancer treatment, and her recollections of her rather lonely life. Towards the end, an intern and a nurse have this very interesting conversation.

(copied from the play by Margaret Edson, Copyright 1999)


Susie: She's not what I imagined. I thought somebody who studied poetry would be sort of dreamy, you know?

Jason: Oh, not the way she did it. It felt more like boot camp that English class. This guy John Donne was incredibly intense. Like your whole brain had to be in knots before you could get it.

Susie: He made it hard on purpose?

Jason: Well, it has to do with the subject. The Holy Sonnets we worked on most, they were mostly about Salvation Anxiety. That's a term I made up in one of my papers, but I think it fits pretty well. Salvation Anxiety. You're this brilliant guy, I mean brilliant - this guy makes Shakespeare sound like a Hallmark card. And you know you're a sinner. And there's this promise of salvation, the whole religious thing. But you just can't deal with it.

Susie: How come?

Jason: It just doesn't stand up to scrutiny. But you can't face life without it either. So you write these screwed-up sonnets. Everything is brilliantly convoluted. Really tricky stuff. Bouncing off the walls. Like a game, to make the puzzle so complicated.

Susie: But what happens in the end?

Jason: Eng of what?

Susie: To John Donne. Does he ever get it?

Jason: Get what?

Susie: His Salvation Anxiety. Does he ever understand?

Jason: Oh, no way. The puzzle takes over. You're not even trying to solve it anymore. Fascinating, really. Great training for lab research. Looking at things in increasing levels of complexity.

Susie: Until what?

Jason: What do you mean?

Susie: Where does it end? Don't you get to solve the puzzle

Jason: Nah. When it comes right down to it, research is just trying to quantify the complications of the puzzle.



Anyways, I figure that this is what I must be doing. I know that I am looking for something. What that is I still do not know. Some kernel of truth. The answer that will answer all the questions in the universe. Finding the one truth that is true for us all. However, I seem to have gotten caught up in the search for the answer and I'm not sure whether I want to know the answer anymore. I really doubt that there is one truth for everyone. I think that each person needs to find the one truth that is true for them. Everyone is different and that requires a multitude of truths. Sometimes I get so caught up in this search that I overwhelm myself with information and stop looking for a while. Ah, but I do enjoy the search. I wasn't created to be light and fluffy. Maybe this is all I am supposed to do. Keep try to find the answer. Whatever the question or the answer may be.